The connection betwee this image and the article is for me to know and you to guess at
Officially this is a match report, Darlington v Leeds United, League Cup first round, live on Sky. However it might not read like one for significant chunks of it. You see as it’s the first away game of the season it’s not just a chance for some (who don’t live 300 miles away) to catch up with old mates, it is also the first proper face-off of the season between two tribes, the Optimists and the Pessimists, and both of them will be in the same away end.
First I shall publically declare a prejudicial interest; I am a card carrying member of the fundamentalist end of the Pessimism tendency on all matters Leeds United, was before the present owner shanghaied the club and probably will be after he goes. Yet I intend to appraise these two warring tribes with equal fairness (or distain), well mostly. How can I do that you ask, well because this is my blog, I am happy in the camp I choose, I feel no need to argue the case, I moderate this place so tightly if you stuck a piece of coal up my arse it would be a £1m diamond two weeks later. This allows me to be true to myself and even handed at the same time, aren’t I the lucky one.
Traditionally this is the time of year Optimists are at their height, re-appearing like birds returning from their winter in Africa, all suntan and empty minds. As soon as they land the Pessimists are on them like a rash, disillusioned by having stuck it out in Britain all year and recognising some who claimed they would keep the faith but have instead bought the happy shilling. Tensions run high, forums buzz with accusation and counter accusation, it all starts as an opinion exchange it finishes up as cyber bile. Optimists can’t cope with the questioning, the rational, the harsh realities; they thrash out at unbelievers with all the zeal of the Spanish Inquisitor. Pessimists demand to be heard, oblivious to timing, it’s a real non meeting of minds and it’s happening everywhere Leeds United supporters gather.
As you can imagine both sides don’t need too much provocation to start but each season start brings something to spark the fire. This year is the sale of Fabian Delph: the Pessimists see the continuing culpability of Bates (with some justification) and his lies, then extrapolate the disappointment to equal death of the season already. The Optimists are even worse, they quickly and readily dismiss a 19 year old who is going to walk into Premier League Aston Villa’s team on Saturday as a “bit player”, not really essential to the team (like we can lose our only piece of quality), the contortions they do are bewildering. Factor in Beckford’s future and debate quickly becomes simply a sideshow to bear-baiting.
To the outsider the whole thing must look like a obscure episode of Star Trek, you know the one where the Enterprise finds a planet that has just committed nuclear holocaust on itself, a war between peoples who both have one side of the face Black and one side White, but the difference between having a Black left side and a Black right side is what feeds the hatred and ultimately the destruction. Unfortunately the analogy needs to end here as in the television show the wanton waste of life brings the survivors together whilst in real life LUFC the Armageddon was a while ago now and we are even more further apart.
Optimism v Pessimism has been around for years, like the Israel/Palestine question, capitalism or co-operative, the where does Surbiton end and Tolworth begin, all these great questions have beaten better people than me. By coming together in the wide open spaces of the George Reynolds money burning pit (now renamed the Northern Echo Arena) each of the tribes knows it’s about to create an atmosphere of mutual distrust, but they will do it anyway and woe betide anyone who takes them both on. Luckily for me, I’m in the pub, a truce with any passing Optimist who wants to share a beer, because I’m good like that while the games on (isn’t that right Nick?).
This is also a good time to vent a little anger on another match related issue for tonight. This game is one of the few where Leeds fans can just turn up and pay on the gate, usually this is impossible due to the membership card system and police objection. Because the game is a dodgy Monday night, on Sky and in a stadium where the away fans could take 10k and the place would still look half empty, no such problems. What this re-enforces is how the membership card scheme, as practised under Papa Smurf, is but a gigantic con (legal but still a con). There is no security issue negated by the scheme, nobody will be checking tonight nor at the vast majority of grounds we attend, it’s a money raking scam, 30k x £30, best part of a £1m to the club simply to buy the right not to get tickets for Wycombe, Colchester and Brighton. Tacky badges and even tackier propaganda are your reward for such an indulgence and yet you do it “just in case”, the “guarantee” of a ticket for the play-off final (most useful last season that was!). I don’t care what “ism” wins, this has to go.
Kick-off approached and the team sheet gets the Pessimists off to a flyer: no Beckford and a gap where the seventh sub should be, that should keep the conspiracy theorists on both sides happy for the rest of the week. We already know that “Larry” doesn’t do resting for players from the build up to last season’s play-offs and therefore the midfield is unchanged. A turgid first half keeps the momentum of gloom going, Optimists point to the impressive contribution of Grella (whose general play shows us what Beckford can’t do but also seems to me to lack confidence in shooting) and the continuing fitting in of Michael Doyle. What both sides can agree on is our away support is impressive in size, shame they spoil it with silly anti Alan Smith chants and even more pathetic choruses of the Munich song. As half time approached the post Beckford future starts to look like another nightmare as Showumni looks miles of the pace and Hughes clearly having left his left foot back in Leeds. Darlington look a poor team this season (understandable given their summer), our inability to break them down is doing our reputation as a decent one no favours.
The second half is more like it, a ten minute burst of one touch football results in Enoch getting his elongated torso on the end of a cross and 1 up we are. Unfortunately we fail to capitalise on this and whilst Johnson and Howson look more in charge and Huntington and Michalik untroubled a nagging need for a second ensures Pessimism still has its place on the evening. Every game as a cameo, tonights is the appearance of the pantomime that is Dean Windass. Said lump has a long history as antagonism with Leeds fans, luckily for us he is recovering from playing in his Hull testimonial the night before and his only threat involves lashing a free kick high and over.
As fulltime approached we convert to 4-5-1 to contain the mighty Darlington waves of attack, which surprise, surprise don’t appear, Optimists sight it as a sign of Grayson’s pragmatism, Pessimists as the manifestation of his timid side, either way one last scare comes and goes as their central defender misses a injury time sitter from a corner. All in all the final whistle is a relief (as is the fact I didn’t hear a word of Gary Birtles bollox all game). An Optimists led chant of Wembley can’t disguise another unimpressive Sky performance and feeds the Pessimists concerns about finishing bad teams off and the lack of quality. Somewhere in the middle is a truth of “job done but should do better”, in the draw for the next round, PL away would be nice and a proper test!
No doubt as soon as this missive is published some Optimist Hardy wannabe (probably more Oliver than Thomas) is going to dissect it for an exercise in dissing. This will just re-enforce my belief that Pessimism is the place to be, simply for no other reason than this: in order for Pessimists to cross over all that has to happen is 2 wins becomes 12 wins, that happens and it will be just me and the dog left (and the dog is anyone’s for a biscuit), however the Optimists will be subject to the traditional unfulfilled expectations and gutting disappointment before they (temporarily) get real. Such is life, all together now “when two tribes go to war, a point is all you can score” (for the under 35’s, Google it!).
