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As the close season gets shorter and television saturation beams games involving Premier League clubs live from every Asian city that would host them it becomes important to have a fixed point where it’s appropriate to start getting excited about the new season. In my case it isn’t the first pre-season friendly I attend (which this year was Kingstonian v Hampton and Richmond Borough, a game that seemed to indicate that the 7th division of English football had more passing and moving in it than the 3rd) instead it is the annual arrival of my mate Nick’s footy prediction league.
Nick’s prediction league, which has been running in various guises for over 10 years, is a good-un, covering all the elements, English leagues down to Conference, Scottish, European, live games including internationals, top scorer, team of the season and the obligatory tie-breaker question. For a small entrance fee about 30 of us have a season long competition, peppered with updates from the co-ordinator. I mention this not to advertise it, Nick doesn’t need it to grow any bigger, but as a prelude to a confession, I have had a mare in it every season for the last 6!
My problem is simple, I will always put my principles (or as my mates put it, prejudices) in front of winning, so no ManU winning anything, no Chelski either, no Celtic/Rangers 1-2, no Madrid, Milan or Munich winning their respective leagues, every year the same avoidance of the greedy clubs, every year the same good natured abuse from the rest of the competitors and every year the same humiliation. Also accompanying this is what’s known as the MG curse, basically I also always back a player from a non top 4 club as top scorer and litter my team of the year likewise and every year the curse strikes. Dean Ashton and Michael Chopra’s careers have never been the same! It happens too often to be co-incidence.
In an attempt to finally establish the scientific basis of the curse i have been inundated with requests to test it to an ultimate breaking point, basically I should back in 2009-10 all the clubs/players/managers whom I detest to see if some unprecedented failure should overcome them. I was resisting that until the moment I heard the Gerrard affray verdict where upon a overwhelming feeling of power overcame me (well disbelief, followed by anger for the death of even-handed British justice) and I decided there were so many deserving of my curse it was time to inflict it on the pampered overpaid pile of shite that this one time potential England captain is a manifest representation for. Yes I’m aware that if you try to create something that happens naturally it works less effectively but unless I grasp the nettle we may never know it’s true potential.
Clearly I won’t be replicating the whole form here, far too long but as a snippet here is my Team of the Season, with top goal scorer and manager of the year, all picked on their capacity to irritate and offend and deserving of bad luck and career knockback. As an added bonus I will be backing ManU to win everything they enter, can’t say fairer than that!
Top Goalscorer: Wayne Rooney. Pug just doesn’t change does he, gobby on the pitch, a bit part in his wife’s soap opera off it, prepared to let SAF play him in any position except the one that suits him, yet to use his youth boxing skills on a innocent member of the public productively but maybe that’s because “once a blue always a blue”, although to be fair can alienate both sides of his home town equally effectively.
Manager of the Year (joint award for tie): Sam Allardyce and Phil Brown. When these two buddies inflicted their anti-football on the world in the late 90’s and perfected it in the PL at Bolton how could we know that despite the evidence from their first stints of running clubs without the others assistance (Newcastle and Derby) they would both still contend they are gods gift to management!! I can’t decide which I dislike the most, Allardyces whinge that only his brummie accent stopped him getting the England job or Brown celebrating one win in 30 games as the equivalent of a World Cup win. I’m sure the good supporters of Blackburn and Hull are licking their lips at the footyfest to come!
Team of the year (4:3:1:2).
GK: Shay Given. Controversial choice this, some see a world class goalie who was rewarded for his years of Toon service with one of the early post Arab money City deals. I see a mercenary, slightly over-rated and a real streak of delusion about him. Yes I could have picked others for this position but sometimes you need to be ahead of the game.
RB: Glen Johnson. Dartford’s finest shop-lifter is already on his 4th PL club, up there with the Bowyers and Irelands of this world in intellectual rigour. Just as he looks like he might have a European class game he inevitability reverts to inconsistency. A classic example of the modern curse of taking an athlete and trying to make them footballers.
LB: Ashley Cole. No contest, where else can you find such a package of arrogance, idiocy, celebrity culture and popularity in such a small package. Not content with occasional attempted leg-breaking tackles and abusive mouth Mr Cole A also does a running commentary on his psychological obsession with hating Arsenal despite all they did for his career, apparently they didn’t think he was worth £80k a week, scandalous, expensive at twice the price.
CB1: Nemanja Vidic. So your player of the season, despite being humiliated in the game of the season and getting sent off in the World Club Final. The respect he gets seems to be because of his ability to tug, shove, elbow and kick off at the drop of a hat. Such qualities make him potentially a new Beckenbauer, or is that Ian Ure.
CB2: John Terry. It matters not whether it’s at Chelski or City, this over-rated bouncer-bashing loon will still be on £200k a week, still carrying more injuries than an average London A+E unit on a Saturday night and still a disgraceful choice as an England captain. To be fair though, he will always have that penalty!
RM: David Beckham. You know it’s going to happen, a loan move back to England, back to his scummer mates so he can show the best league in the world how to he has lost his legs, float predictable balls into the box, jump on barriers offering supporters out when the mildest criticism is heard, all in the cause of making the England squad for South Africa so he can go into the record books as having been to 4 World Cups and being a fucking liability in them all.
CM: John Mikel Obi. Has there ever been a player so widely hyped that produces so little. ManU must consider they had a lucky escape making £16m on a player they never actually signed! Recent recipient of a new 5 year contract and a driving ban, well maybe he aspires to Jermaine Pennant standards!
LM: Rory Delap. Saints preserve us from the long-throw game. Up there with Beckham as a “special teams” player. Ban his run-up throw (please) and he wouldn’t make Port Vale’s team.
“In the Hole”: Steven Gerrard. So to clarify the Gerrard principal is that because he is well-known he is allowed to punch as hard as he likes anyone who slightly annoys him, despite no evidence of threat and whilst surrounded by his mates (all of which are duty bound to take the rap in Woodgate mates style) and call it self-defence. Well that’s the thing isn’t it on £120k a week personal security just costs too much. Newly crowned scouse knobhead no1 (no mean feat given the existence of Rooney, Barton and most of the Accrington Stanley squad).
S: Michael Owen. Legend. From relegated chaos to CL finalists in one bound (via some nice printed material). Am I the only person who thinks SAF only signed him so he could exchange horse-racing tips?
S: Emmanual Adebayor. If he joined City for the trophies and not for the money then he must have forgotten to ask his agent how much! This player seems to have a Mark Viduka style ability to take a good team down whilst his personal goal scoring form reflects the increase in his sulking.
And finally an extra category I hope to persuade Nick to put in (provoked by a rant I just read) “Life-time Achievement Award”: Sir Alex Ferguson. Where would we be without SAF and his provocative press coverage, all distributed by his groupies disguised as football writers. Take his “City small club, stupid and arrogant” comments recently, remind yourself of his decade long feud with the BBC that had the effrontery to expose his son’s dodgy transfer dealings, mix in the £5m worth horse gift saga, his 25 year long tendency to piss off every other decent manager in the PL (but not failures like Allardyce), intimidation of referees and fourth officials, tapping up and responsibility for half the worlds chewing gum litter problem and how boring would life be if we had missed all that and just had football to concern ourselves with. Here’s to another 25 years of one-eyed wine influenced nonsense never questioned.
Obviously I’m disappointed I no longer have Ronaldo or Joey Barton to find a place in my list, still I can get the former in my mate Rob’s CL prediction league. The latter will look after himself regardless. Now, do I back Leeds or not?
Late July 09.
